Wednesday, October 21, 2009

a little off balance.

you know that feeling? the one where you have a book report due in 2 days and you haven't even started the book and you just can't even comprehend catching up to the point of being able to write anything slightly coherent and so you put it off a little more because you don't know where to begin? (though the obvious answer from frauline maria is to "start at the very beginning... a very good place to start!)
that's me. that's my blog.
i have fallen off the horse and can't seem to get back on. so many things to catch up on, so many emotions to spill, but somehow whenever i click on the magic little "new post" button i come up empty.
sure, time has a lot to do with it. most days i'm lucky if i even get a shower. (i know, gross. just be glad you don't live closer.) between 2 busy little boys, a busy husband, and a busy little business, i have fallen last on the list of priorities, and this little outlet has been left in the dust. but more than that, i have been fighting off my inner little wendy whiner, and instead of trying desperately to censor her words here in my little corner of the blogosphere, i have just stopped blogging altogether.
but that is problematic as well.
i miss it. i miss documenting my life. the good and the bad. i miss searching for meaning in the mundane. i miss the stewing of words and thoughts in my mind at all times and the melodic composition of them all. i miss the connection with friends and hearing every once in a while that i'm not the only one who has a bad day. i miss taking pictures and capturing my boys at this very stage that is so fleeting. i just miss it.
so, i will try again. though most of my life i have tried really hard to be optimistic and sunshine-y about all the details, i'm not really feeling it. maybe it is the bleak winter months ahead hanging over me like eeyore's little rain cloud, or maybe it is the stress that comes from trying to keep it all together and put on a happy face. i am hoping that as i again open up my thoughts and my heart here that i will be able to sort through and find more balance in motherhood, and in life in general.
some day i'll get my groove back.
i'm sure of it.

11 comments:

Cheryl said...

Hey Jess,
I had to comment on this one. I completely relate to what you are going through. I have done the same thing the past few months with my blog, avoiding it for lack of anything positive to say. I did manage to get a couple in with some photos, but I have not had anything wonderful to report. Some days the only thing that keeps me going is knowing this wonderful little family rely's on me and my God is able to help me through it. I try to look for the joy in each day and not the to do list...as hard as that is for me to not make a fuss of my to do list! :) Look around you and see how wonderful life is...that will put joy in your heart for sure! Lots of Love!

Tiffany Fackrell said...

ok jessica, this is a really random question, and has nothing to do with your post but it has been driving me nuts. I was just looking through your etsy shop and the girl modeling the headbands...is her name Celeste? She looks super duper familiar...like a girl from back home...just wondering?

amy said...

oh jess, how i wished we lived closer so that i could bring dinner over and we could just chat while we deal with life's craziness. hang-in there! i have missed your blog posts...but only selfishly. i know you are swamped with creating and most importantly taking care of two little ones. just know that you are not alone. much love & ONE BIG HUG!!

Jessi said...

and you will get through it!!! you have a beautiful family to tend to and just started a business ;o) Keep it up!

Madsen Family said...

jess....it took me probably a year to find balance in my life as a mother. then will dropped a nap and it took me time to adjust to that. just when i think we get a good grove going and i have everything under control, his schedule changes (like going from waking up at 7:30 to waking up at 6:00--let's hope that's just a phase). my point is, little H is just a baby. it takes time to adjust, figure out a system and so on and so forth (and it takes time for a baby to get on a system). IT WILL COME. i am such a structured person that i like routines and systems, but babies don't come that way. but do remember this time is fleeting, so take time to enjoy it and take time FOR YOU. and share the good times and the bad with us, your beautiful blogging friends.

brooke said...

I have been wanting to call you but my phone got ruined so I have no phone numbers. Call me one day when you have a free second (if you ever do!).
Miss you!

Melissa said...

Have you read my blog lately? Ha, ha. You would feel better. Read my latest post about my blow up on Sunday morning right before the Primary Program. It's a winner. I guess what I'm saying is that stress gets us all. I have never thought you were whiney. Even in this post. You are too cute to be whiney. Plus a little whine once in a while is healthy. It makes the rest of your friends feel human. Thanks for sharing your ups and your downs. You are so beautiful, and I don't mean just on the outside. You have a light within that glows very brightly through the good and the bad. You inspire many people, and the love you have for your family shows. You are awesome! Don't forget it! That's an order. :D

Mom said...

Oh, Sweetie. You make me cry! I wish I was there to help. Just know that you are always in my heart and prayers. And you WILL get through the tough times, one day at a time. Someday your babies will be turning 30 and you'll wonder where the time went. So try to enjoy at least a little of each day. And remember that you are loved by 2 little boys, a good husband, and me!
XOXO

Amanda said...

Jess- Welcome back! I have fallen off the wagon too. Hopefully if you can figure out how to climb back on maybe you can tell me how its done!?

Manda

Michelle said...

I hear you girl. But write it anyway--it's good for all of us!

Sharlie Kaltenbach said...

Look at all these comments from people that love you and can relate to you! I hope that makes you feel a little better! I am among the many that love, adore and admire you and am pulling for you. Thanks for a vulnerable, authentic post. You've got a lot going on and there will be "those" days. My advise: feel it, feel the unbalance, the stress and really experience it and then don't dwell in it! Thank it for showing up and then thank it for leaving!! This blog post feels like you did just that! I love you and will call you soon, we need to catch up and have a good laugh : )