Friday, April 17, 2009

do-over.


can i have a do-over?
i read and re-read and re-read my "moments" post from the other day before publishing it. and then yesterday i looked it over again and wanted to smack myself.
i remember a few years ago when the whole getting pregnant thing just wasn't working out. after months of heartbreak (and not telling anyone about it) i felt ready to self-destruct. could it be possible that this would be my burden in life? wanting to be a mom more than anything and not being able to fulfill that dream? one of the hardest things about being in that situation was seeing moms who simply didn't appreciate what a priceless gift they had. they complained about their kids and what a pain they were. they were envious of my "freedom." they seemed to forget about the fact that they had at one point wanted to have children and now could only see what an inconvenience being a mom was. it was in situations such as those that it took everything out of me to not yell and scream and shake them and get them to wake up and realize that i would do anything to be in their shoes. it just didn't seem fair.
and then, miracle of miracles, owey came along. it seemed too good to be true, and i promised myself i would never be one of those moms. that i would be more sensitive to those around me who may be struggling. that i would remember every day how much i wanted this baby and act accordingly.
since it took so long to get #1, we were taken aback by the news of #2. a shock, but a blessing. i had been emotionally preparing myself for another long road to have a brother or sister for o, but finding out i was pregnant when he was only 9 months old was both super exciting (yeah! i'm not broken afterall!) and super scary(whoa. 18 months apart.) and it still is. 2 babies - what a gift! but holy moly - 2 babies! yikes!!

and so, when i have hard days (or hard nights) i have to remember how desperate i was to have kids. i have nothing to complain about. i am living the life i have always wanted to live! i get to stay at home and watch my boys grow up. i get to smell henry's sweet breath and wrap owey's curls around my fingers. i get to play cars and stack blocks and read books and listen to a little itty bitty find his voice and observe the world around him. i don't have to deal with angry customers and traffic and deadlines. i get to create the world for my boys. i get to decide what their environment is like. i get all the kisses and snuggles i want. (well, usually.)
here's the thing about blogging. i have a hard time striking a balance between the "mommy-blog" that talks endlessly about how wonderful her babies are and how everything is sunshine and rainbows all the time, and the "bitter-blog" that uses the blog as an avenue to vent and complain. of course there are good days and bad days. i would love to be able to write honestly not worrying about the way others are perceiving my thoughts. yet, the knowledge that friends and family are reading makes me strive to do better, be better, and find life lessons to relate. so, would you be patient with me as i fumble through this mothering business hoping i can be the kind of mom i've always wanted to be? and would you bear with me as i learn to find my voice?

12 comments:

James, Jessica & Harrison Snyder said...

Don't be sooo hard on yourself. There will always be good days and there will always be bad days. That's the point of all this- the yin and the yang. We couldn't have one without the other!

amy said...

jess, you have a way with words. i love this post and the "moments" one. i think all moms can relate. being appreciative and grateful doesn't mean there won't be hard nights or days or times. ya know? last night when i was up for 2 hours from 1-3am with some strange cramp in my stomach i was not so happy to be prego. but, OF COURSE i am so grateful for the privilege to bear children in this life. make sense? love your honesty & think you are an absolute FABULOUS mom!

Michelle said...

Jess, you have a beautiful voice. And here's the truth-- as wonderful as mothering is, it is also mind-numbingly, heartbreakingly exhausting. You have two babies and some days will seem beyond human capability. So don't expect your self to love every moment. You love your children and that's what counts!

Amanda said...

Jess- It was SOO good to see you tonight! I was SO excited to finally get to meet the boys! They are SO handsom! I am so glad that we are cousins. I haven't kept up on reading everyone's blogs lately, but I am VERY glad to have read yours tonight. It felt like I was reading a page out of my own life story... quoting your blog, "the whole getting pregnant thing just wasn't working out. after months of heartbreak (and not telling anyone about it) i felt ready to self-destruct. could it be possible that this would be my burden in life? wanting to be a mom more than anything and not being able to fulfill that dream?" . Yeah, I am glad to be able to see everyone tonight. I needed that. You're awesome and I am glad that things are going well in Orem.

Amanda

Sharlie Kaltenbach said...

Jess, I love you! Thanks for your vulnerability and honesty. I love both the posts and both are relevant. I know exactly what it was like to want to be a mom more than anything and not know if it was possible and that anguish makes the miracle that much sweeter...it's a different perspective and we can use it to stay balanced! Lots of kisses to O and OHenry : ) (and a hug for Clint!)

Melissa said...

Wow. I actually borrowed part of that post for my blog because I love reminders about being in the moment. Now I'm thinking that we knew you when...and had no idea of your longing. I'm sure we complained now and then and you probably wanted to scream at ME. So sorry. I never think you are complaining. It's just a part of being a mom. We are so, so grateful everyday, but sleep deprivation is horrible, and everyone is going to need to vent now and then. Did you know sleep deprivation is a torture tactic used to extract information from prisoners? Once I learned that, I felt validated and knew that a good cry once in a while was deserved. What we're doing is really hard--but you know now that you can be THAT worn out AND eternally grateful for your children at the same time. It makes me sad to think that anyone would think me ungrateful.

Anyway, I love your blog. You have a gift with words. You're doing just fine my dear!

Madsen Family said...

jess....for the first three months of will's life i (jokingly) thought: um, can i get a refund? though i waited even longer and had an even tougher time of getting baby willy to come to our family, i still have days that are hard. most of those days are when i am sleep deprived. i think as moms we can do anything, conquer anything and do it happily--if we are getting enough sleep. so, don't be so hard on yourself. i know that you feel blessed to be a mom--as do i--and i know you think it is the best job ever--as do i. but again, that doesn't mean it isn't the hardest job ever--because it is. but all hard things in life are so, so worth it. i love your buns! keep up the good work:)

The Dobrons said...

You've expressed the thoughts I've had all day yesterday. Thanks for putting it into words. I needed a paradigm shift.

Carlie said...

I think each experience in life gives new perspective into our own lives, what others might be feeling, and what the Savior felt for all of us. When you couldn't get pregnant, you felt what other childrenless mothers feel. And once you had 2 babies to care for, you felt the stress of a stay-at-home mother. Both are real. Both are hard. Just because one seemed near impossible to bear, doesn't make the other easy. It's okay for motherhood to be hard. That's the plan, that's how we grow. I have decided everything that's wonderful in my life is also hard, and that's okay. Now you have both perspectives and you can treat others with more understanding. That's how the Savior does it. And as we gain experience we can be like the Savior more and more and show other's compassion instead of criticism because we have been there. Love you. You are doing a great job.

PDCScarbroughpage said...

This was a great post. We all need a reminder that bad days are okay, but it doesn't make them bad kids- and we want them around!!!

Linkous said...

Hi Jess, I'm a friend of Michelle's and loved the pics of you guys on her blog. I know exactly what you are going through--we tried for 8 years every treatment in the books (feeling all of those feelings you talked about) and were blessed with Ryn 3 years ago. Still nursing her at 8 months, I miraculously got pregnant with Elle (will turn 2 this month). Still nursing her, we found out another miracle was on the way--our Eden, who is 3 months. LIFE IS CRAZY! and wonderful. Just giving all the love I can each day is the only way I've found to survive. Motherhood is more challenging and more rewarding than I ever imagined. It sounds like you're doing a fabulous job! Take care and congratulations on your beautiful family.

Delatore Family said...

Jessica, I've always thought of you as just about the best mom EVER! I know we only lived around each other for a short time and occasionally associated with each other, but you were a very good example to me and many others. I think it's interesting that you say that you are "fumbling through motherhood" when you seem like it is effortless. It comforts me to know that even you have struggles just like me and all other moms. You really are amazing. Keep up the good work and remember, it's okay that you're not perfect. If you were then you'd be boring...haha!