Monday, December 08, 2008

things eternal.

friday night as clint and i lay awake late into the night talking about baby boy #2 and what he shall be called (still struggling to choose!) our conversation was halted by the sound of our baby boy #1 crying and then the dreaded sound that we could only recognize as one sick little boy. clint went into check, and although he had already fallen fast asleep, there he lay in his own "sickness" and we then knew a long night was ahead of us. the only other time owen has had a stomach flu was when we were at my parents over the summer - and we had learned the hard way that cleaning him up and putting him back to bed was a big mistake. so, we set up camp with our poor little guy in his room - diaper only, garbage can near by, rock, rock, rocking him in a vain attempt to comfort his sick little body. he spent most of the night in agony, looking at us with those big brown eyes as if to ask "why?" and tearing my momma's heart in two. i can't handle it when my boy is in pain - and nothing brings me to tears faster than seeing him hurt and not being able to fix it.
clint took a turn in the rocking chair while owey tried to get some rest between bouts of sickness and i set up a makeshift bed on the floor and tried to get a little sleep. halfway through the night, we traded posts and it was my turn to rock that little boy and hope to somehow give him comfort and help him at least feel loved and safe in the midst of so much yuckiness. i tried to sleep with his warm body curled up next to mine, but my mind was so full of thought that sleep became impossible. how is it that a huge piece of my heart was wrapped up into this little boy? and how would i ever cope with letting it walk out into the world and exist outside of my safe and loving arms? if a little stomach flu was enough to send me into tears and heartache, what of bullies, broken hearts, and bad choices? would i get a thick skin and learn to deal with all that my boy will face in this world? or is that just part of the life of a mother? feeling so much love for someone else that it sometimes (literally) hurts?
as i sat pondering these things, i couldn't help but think of my own parents and of course my Heavenly Parents. how they must ache when we do. how they must wish they could make it all better. how they must long for our happiness and safety. and yet again, while rocking my sick little boy, i was taught once more the miracle of motherhood. this is what i need to be learning. this is why god wants us to have children and begin to understand what he feels for us. oh how He must love us!
ironically, i found myself sick as a dog last night and it was my turn to ask "why?". without a mom and dad to rock me and comfort me, i instead turned to my sweet husband and his priesthood. at least then i could feel of his love and safe arms, and of the love and compassion of a loving and healing Heavenly Father that wishes to bless me. oh how grateful i am for that knowledge and for that power in my own home. and while i don't wish to ever have that flu again, i am grateful for the tender mercies shown to me as my humbled heart was given a glimpse of things eternal.

6 comments:

Mom said...

You are so right- that it hurts when your child hurts!! (And grandchild.) I wish I were closer and could be there to hold you, or at least help in some way. I suppose that's how Heavenly Father feels as He watches from above, knowing that He can't take away the yuckies unless it's meant to be. Yes, I know miracles happen, but sometimes we just have to tough it out, and learn what we need to learn. Sometimes that lesson is just "This, too, will pass."
Anyway, I'm glad you're both feeling better. Hopefully you will all be nothing but healthy when you visit.
Love you!!!

Michelle said...

Jess- this brought me to tears. You are such a wonderful writer and mother and wife. I can honestly say that those sick nights were some of the sweetest moments in parenting my babies-- hubby and I worked together, cried together and tasted the joy of seeing our little ones well again.

Amanda said...

Great insight! Love it~

Amanda

brooke said...

Ahhh, thanks for making me cry! Gosh! I'm sorry you guys were both sick. I totally feel what you mean about watching your little guy hurt, it is so hard!

Mique (as in Mickey) said...

Lup-
Sorry you guys got sick- yuck! But as mom said- hope you got it all over and done with so you can actually enjoy the holidays.
I've felt this exact same feeling before. Had this exact same realization. Another time when I was thankful to get just a glimpse of what this whole "thing" (as in the plan, life, yada yada) is about. It's amazing how becoming a mom completely and totally shifts your perspective. So humbling.
I'm so glad you are a part of this mommy club with me!!
Love you.
Can't wait to see your dimply face.

Lauren said...

so sorry you guys were sick! We had it over thanksgiving. Not fun, and yet you write a beautiful post abut it. how did I get so lucky to be your friend? :)